Thursday, Thursday, Thursday

I know I said I was going to post on Monday... but... life got busy.... or I was too lazy... ;)

Anyway, this week has been much better than last week. On Monday I visited my academic adviser/professor/head of social work department to talk about my anxieties and fears and she made me feel a lot better. Actually, she basically told me what everybody has been telling me but it meant more because she knows what she's talking about. I'm also really happy I went because now she knows how I feel and can help calm me down when I freak out... So Monday was a good day... confidence definitely boosted.

I also officially decided to change from a major in psychology to a minor. So now I'm only social work with a little psych on the side. I'm really happy about it because now I can take classes that I want to take without having to stress about fitting them all in before I graduate. I also don't have to take any summer classes now!! yaaaay :)

hmmm... let's see what else is new.... I'm volunteering at my church here as a mentor... I started today and it was a lot of fun. Basically all I do is sit with my mentee and help her with homework and play games. She's really sweet and incredibly smart:) I'm really excited for this school year with her!

... my life is pretty boring right now... hopefully I'll have more to update later. I really have been pretty busy lately though... and I feel bad because I haven't had a lot of time to spend with God. I have definitely seen him though... Like today was an absolutely gorgeous day! I see God in nature a lot so anytime the weather is nice I see God's blessings. I've also seen God in the comfort and peace I've felt about my future.... So even though I am super busy, I will continue to search for God every day. And I know I won't be able to post about it every night, but I will really try to keep updating you all about the events of my uneventful life;)

I love you all very very much!
Rachel

I Guess I'm A Soft Blanket?

I feel like such an awful person for not posting the past few days... This week has just been rough!

So I decided I needed to take a break from thinking after Monday's events.... I've tried to not have those thoughts and focused on being happy... just because!

All you need to know about this week so far is that Tuesday was a moderately good day, yesterday started out better and got worse, and today was basically good. I give a lot of credit for the good times to my roommate for keeping me sane! (Love you Michelle) :) I definitely saw God in our laughter and silliness!

The reason why I say today was "basically" good is because I had a moment of panic in my intro to social work class. We had a guest speaker from the center for life calling and leadership come in and do an exercise with us. Apparently it was supposed to help us figure out a theme for our life so we can create a purpose statement (again with those stupid things). I'm not sure if I'm just in the time of my life where we talk a lot about purpose and missions and life calling stuff or if God is trying to get a message across to me, but I feel like all I've been doing since I've been here is talk about that stuff. Anyway, back to the exercise... we were asked to close our eyes as he took us on a "journey" and when he was done we would journal about it... I fell asleep...... I felt terrible because I thought maybe the exercise would help me get unstuck, but when I asked other classmates later they said it was stupid and just made them sleepy... so I guess I didn't miss anything? The one thing I was awake for however, was the part when we turned into metaphors...

Cue the title of this post!

The last activity we did in that class was to find a metaphor that described our purpose in life... I couldn't think of one because I'm hopelessly lost, so I asked my friend in class how she would describe me. She told me I'm a warm, soft blanket that comforts people when they're distressed and brings joy to their lives when they're not. So I'm soft and fluffy... I'll take that! If that's the only truth I have to hold onto right now I guess I'll just cling to the soft fluffies until life stops being cold. Sounds good to me.

In other news, I made an appointment with my academic adviser in an effort to calm the craziness inside me. She's reeeaaallly sweet and we have similar personalities.... she's also the head of the social work department and is my prof for intro to social work.... so I'm thinking she'll be able to help me.. and if not, I don't know what I'll do because I can't talk about it with my friends yet. That will happen on Monday and I'll make sure to give you all an update!

And finally..... the biggest news yet.... wait for it...........



wait for it..........



I'm going home with Michelle this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm suuuper excited! I can't wait to get away from this place for a while and just have fun for once! We're going to bring the crazy back to the great city of Noblesville :)

So that's it :) I'm leaving tomorrow after classes so I won't be posting again until Monday night!

Love you all,
Rachel


OH WAIT WAIT WAIT! I forgot to tell you that I realized just recently that I LOVE modern impressionism! I mean, why wouldn't I? Just LOOK at all those COLORS!!!!!! :) so from now on I'm going to be sharing my love with you all :)

Manic Monday

Heyyyy guys...

I'm so sorry I didn't post all weekend! We had a few late nights... :)

So, not gonna lie, today sucked.

It started out with loud crashing at 7 am from the construction site next door. That was not the alarm I wanted to wake up to. :P I was very grumpy through my first class and then into chapel. I tried soo hard to change my attitude so I could worship and take in what the speaker was sharing... but I couldn't :( I was stuck. I don't even know why I was upset.... I guess I was just sleepy and annoyed.

After chapel I went to my psychology seminar (it's basically a "what do you want to do with your life" class) and we were given a worksheet that asked us what our mission statement and purpose in life was.... I'm of course sitting there freaking out because how am I supposed to know!? I just declared my majors maybe 4 months ago and I don't even think psychology is going to be one of them anymore.  The first question asked us to name 3 specific careers we would be interested in.... the only problem with that is I have no idea what I want to do let alone the names of those things. The next question asked what my purpose was in life... I had 5 minutes to answer a question that many people die not knowing an answer to. I mean I have a decent idea... like living for God and love and stuff, but as far as specific purposes??? How am I supposed to know?! I needed more than a few minutes for that one. I looked around and everybody was writing as fast as they could while I was trying to figure out what my first word would be... Then the prof moved into questions like "what are your God-given gifts?" Well that seemed simple enough.... two minutes later and all I have is music/art. I felt incredibly stupid.

This is where I started crying. Yes, that's right. Full on waterworks. Just staring at those questions was enough to give me a panic attack. I don't know my purpose, I don't know my mission statement, I don't even know my gifts... I know nothing about myself! I handed a blank paper to the professor and left class.

I ran back to my dorm to attempt to recollect myself and then headed over to lunch. Usually when I'm upset I want people to know so they can make me feel better, but recently I've been holding things in. I ate lunch with some of my best friends and I still felt like I couldn't tell them about the war raging inside me. I trust these girls with everything, so why can't I just talk? UGH! I was afraid if I spoke I would cry and I didn't want that kind of attention. I definitely didn't want to be crying in the middle of the student center... so I pushed it all down and forced myself to forget about it. "I'll deal with it later" I tell myself... later never comes, just more things to put off and deal with when I have the time...

I left lunch and went to my state and local government class. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds... I can't understand my professor because he doesn't speak loud enough and speaks with broken English... the hearing aid helps sometimes, but today it didn't because we were doing group activities and the background noise was too overwhelming. The more frustrated I got, the harder I pushed it down.

I went back to the dorm to start studying after my class was over. At this point in my day I'm just done with everything and everybody. I sat down on the futon and started coloring while I waited for our block party to start (party-type thing for some of our dorms). I'm okay on the outside, but I'm still a mess on the inside. I hide my emotions with hyperactivity and then when it's over I crash and burn.

All I want are the answers I know I can't have. And I hate it. I hate that I'm not patient, I hate that I can't trust my future... I say I can, but I know I can't. I want peace... I feel it sometimes, like when I'm reading inspirational text or Bible passages, but I can't seem to retain it for times like now when I'm stuck.

I don't know what to do. I have things posted all over my room to lift me up, I listen to music to put words to my emotions, I draw to make my thoughts go away... they all work for a little while, but then the anxiety and fear and stress come back and I'm paralyzed.

I'm sorry you have to read all this... It's kind of depressing after the last few posts... I thought I was doing good, and I think in a lot of ways I am, but right now I'm struggling... and I don't what else to do but write about it.

So although today was rough, I know that tomorrow can be better.... and I know God is in both.

Love you all,
Rachel

P.S. Today my coffee was really good and I got some creme savers... sooo there's that ;)

Aloha!

Today's entry will be short because I'm sleepy... so.. yea.

7:15 came waaaayyy too early this morning.... Usually I just roll out of bed and throw clothes on before I go to class and then actually get ready for the day after my 7:50. So today when I came back from Econ (my 7:50) I turned my Jesus jam up and got myself presentable. I want allllll of you to try listening to upbeat and encouraging music as you get ready in the morning. It really does help make the day start great!

Today was an AWESOME day. It was the perfect temperature and the perfect blue sky and the perfect friends to love life with and a perfect God to praise and an amazing school to attend! I love spending time with the girls on my floor and our relationships are already so strong even after 2 weeks. Tonight I had a heart to heart with one of our girls and we both challenged each other to seek God constantly in everything we do and focus on changing our attitudes about certain things. It was beautiful :)

So that's about it for today! God was in the beauty of the day and the intentional conversations with my friends. Life is good :)

Love you all,
Rachel

Blind Intersections

Why hello there!

I'm sorry I'm posting later and later each night... I'm a college student, what can you expect!

So I'll get to the reason behind the title in a moment...

This morning in my child development class we had some guest speakers... tiny guest speakers.... technically they were just guests because they couldn't talk. BUT THEY WERE ADORABLE. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to take off with someone's baby. Then I remember that's not okay. ;) The mothers were really helpful, though. I mean I'm not expecting any tiny surprises in my future yet, but they talked a lot about things that don't necessarily have to do with babies. One mom is an excessive worrier and learned through her pregnancy that God keeps promises. Her faith has grown so much by just being patient and trusting God's plan. That spoke to areas of my life I was definitely not expecting to be spoken to this morning...  The other mom just had good advice that I will pocket for a future day... or maybe I can use it with my virtual child (which is doing great by the way... and she looks like an alien) ;)

I had another guest speaker in my intro to social work class. She wasn't as fun because she wasn't 2 years old, but she still had great advice for us. I was both stressed and comforted at the same time. I think just hearing someone who had a similar story as me make it through the program and land a successful job helped a ton with my confidence. Still worried though...

Other than that, today was fairly chill. Michelle and I took Rachel to get an x-ray done on her ankle because she cracked it when she fell out of bed last week. Apparently it's my fault because I heard her fall and didn't come to help her up ;) Also, we just finished watching a movie and I accidentally sat on it because I forgot it had a boo boo. So now I feel terrible since I probably broke it more. Anyway, we should know the verdict soon when her x-rays come in.

So.... blind intersections... 

Yes, I'm STILL talking about my fear and worry and doubt about the future... 

I just wanted to share with you all a little bit about my time with God today. 

I was reading through some stuff and pondering when suddenly a bunch of verses were just thrown at me... aka I opened up to a random chapter and read things that made sense....

So here's the verses:

Phil. 2:13 "God is working in you to help you want to do and be able to do what pleases him."

Psalm 32:8 "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Proverbs 3:6 "Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths."

Hebrews 13:5 "I will never fail you. I will never forsake you."

Basically... I need to take a chill pill. Obviously He's not going to point me in the wrong direction. He loves me and He's never going to give up on me or do anything to harm me. He won't let me go through life blind and confused. If I continue to focus on Him then the rest will come as He wills. All I can do is have faith. 

One last thing I read tonight was written by F.B. Meyer about a century ago. It says:

"Each child of God has his own Urim and Thummim stone (1 Sam 23:6), ... a conscience void of offense, a heart cleansed in the blood of Christ, a spiritual nature which is pervaded and filled by the Holy Spirit of God... Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of his smile or the cloud of his refusal... get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where the disturbance of self-will does not intrude, where human opinions fail to reach - wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action - the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, and a deeper insight into his nature."

Today I found God where Elijah did on the mountain... I found him in the gentle whisper.

Love you all,

Rachel

I Bought A Baby

But really.

Her name is Caroline and I bought her for $33 last night. My best friend Allison and I are raising her :)

I'm not a terrible person, I promise! I had to buy her for my Child Development class. We have to raise a virtual child over the semester and assess how our choices impacted the child's life. I'm actually really excited!

Now on to the events of the day...

Nothing really exciting happened today. I'm still itchy, classes were nothing special, I didn't have much homework... It's been pretty chill:) Tonight was our last night of Summit. The message was really inspiring for me. I've heard many messages in the past about how we have to be a servant for others and humble ourselves like Jesus did, but the message tonight felt a little different. I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me connect more tonight... I think it's because I'm at a point in my life where if I don't start changing my attitude about serving then I'm not going to get very far with what God is calling me to do. If I wait to work on my servant heart until I'm graduated and in the social work field, the chances of me getting burned out are much greater. I have such an amazing support system here with friends and professors to help whenever I need them, so I should be stretching my faith and allowing certain things to happen that I normally wouldn't if I didn't have the friends I have.

You know what? God is soooo good to us! I don't think there's enough time in the world to thank Him for what He's done. That was a random thought... moving on...

I napped today.

That hasn't happened since camp. I don't even really count camp because I "slept" for like 10 minutes and then rolled out of bed onto the floor each time I woke up. I only planned on sleeping for about 45 minutes, but it ended up being an hour and a half. I was so disoriented when Michelle got me up! My body isn't used to sleeping during the daytime... maybe I should work on that... because naps are a beautiful thing. :)

I also got a milkshake for the first time from chick-fil-a today. Best life choice ever.

So that's about it for today! I saw God in the wonderful nap and in the realization that my heart towards service needs to change.... but more importantly the realization that I can do absolutely nothing without Him:)

Love you all,
Rachel

Tuesday

I wish there was a word to describe when every emotion happens at once. Then I would be able to describe today. I guess meh will work for now..

So I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Why you ask? Because nature hates me. More specifically, nature hates my feet and will do just about anything it can to make them suffer. Sometimes they get really burned or get sticks and rocks jabbed in them (even with shoes on), but this time nature decided to send an army of blood sucking insects out to munch on my ankles. I was up all night itching and scratching and kicking and crying. This morning I woke up with 62 bug bites (I hope that's what they are). Yes, I counted. 62. I think they're from Saturday night when I made a bonfire. But they are SOOO itchy! It's super annoying and frustrating. So that's how I started my day...

After I finished lathering my feet in ointment I went to my classes... and to my surprise, they were actually comforting! Usually my Tuesday/Thursday classes stress me out because they are my social work classes, but today was different. I felt a sense of peace with where I was at. Hopefully that feeling will stay, but chances are I'll doubt myself again at some point. Then I can sing to myself "just keep swimming just keep swimming" :)

OH! I forgot share in the last post that this week is National Suicide Prevention Week and today is World Suicide Prevention Day. The organization that runs it is called To Write Love On Her Arms. If you don't know them, they are a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, anxiety, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. They are really important to me because their website and services helped me a lot when I was struggling with all of my issues. Anyway, this week we are recognizing suicide and those we have lost or who are struggling with it now. 

So along with the annoyance of the morning and the comfort of classes, I have been in a very thoughtful mood. I usually don't just ponder things, so... there's that... 

I worked today. Sudden change of subject..... sorry ;)... I love my job:) So I was in a relatively good mood, except for MY ANKLES. itchy itchy itchy. UGH. Then I got foods with my bffl (Michelle) and burned my hand with hot Asian juices... it hurt a lot... and made me angry. It's funny how the little things can just set me off! 

Our floor was supposed to go to Summit together but it ended up just being me. :( For the non-IWUians out there, Summit is basically chapel service on steroids. I actually like being alone, though. I didn't have to worry about how the rest of the girls around me were reacting. It was just me and God. 

So today was overall a pretty good day. Lots of thoughts and anger and annoyance and comfort and happy and worry all at the same time. All throughout the day I was thinking about where I was seeing God and I couldn't think of one big thing, but that's ok:) So I'm going to say that I saw God in the fact that He gave me comfort in my classes. Oh! Also, seeing everybody raise their hands and fully surrender today at Summit was pretty awesome too. 

So much for this post being shorter than yesterday's... ;) 

Love you all,

Rachel